Author: Alex Clarke, Guest Blogger from the Occupational Safety Team at City of Bradford Metropolitan District Council

Published: 14th December 2021

Sensitive Content: Please note this blog contains sensitive content covering depression and suicidal thoughts. If you or anyone you know is at risk, please contact a professional organisation such as the Samaritans by calling 116 123 or emailing jo@samaritans.org

During the summer of 2000 I disappeared. Nobody knew where I was or why I had seemingly just vanished – remember that this was long before social media and so communications were limited to mobile phones or emails – and nobody knew that I had very little intention of ever coming back.

I wanted to kill myself.

At the time I was working my old career as a professional, architectural modelmaker and it was my first job out of college, and I was on a very sharp trajectory from a complete novice to running the workshop and several projects for high profile architects across London - all within the space of a couple of years. I had learnt an immense amount in that time and I was seen as a talented, dedicated, and dependable worker who would do whatever it took to get the job done; very commendable attributes in an industry where budgets were small and making the deadline was everything. I might have been hot property in that company except for the fact that the person I was working for was…how should I say this…challenging to work for.

What I didn’t realise at the time was that regularly working 60, 70, even 80+ hours a week with regular all-nighters wasn’t healthy. It never occurred to me that working 32-hours straight using unguarded table saws, band saws and automotive-grade spraying facilities was a bad idea. Nor was smoking in a dusty workshop. Nor was being overloaded with responsibility I wasn’t ready for nor having the competence at my disposal to help me manage it. Indeed, there was no real support available to me beyond the comfort in knowing everyone else in the workshop was treated the same and getting on with things as best they could.  We had to because woe betide anyone who missed a deadline would know about it when the manager (affectionately called Basil for his temperament) would hit the roof and start throwing things. Indeed, it was my first proper job and I didn’t know any different – and so I just got on with it.

Until one day, I couldn’t.

Basil had gone on holiday and left me in charge like he had many times before except there was something different about that day. By 10:15 that morning I had been faced with suppliers withholding orders due to non-payment, a broken CNC mill, and a client demanding their model be finished to a completely different specification to that which was agreed…but that was all normal running for this company. The difference was that this time, I just didn’t have anything left in me to cope with any of it; I informed my colleagues that I was going for a walk and never went back. What I was experiencing was my first nervous breakdown as a result of burnout but all I knew was that I didn’t want to be around anymore; I wanted to die. I bought myself a train ticket to Liverpool, and a boat ticket to the Isle of Man so that nobody could reach me or interfere with my decision on whether to live or not.

It should go without saying that I came back but too many do not.

When we think of health and safety in work we oftentimes overlook the psychological effect working and the workplace can have on us. Admittedly my case was somewhat extreme - though I do know of other colleagues in that profession that felt similarly at the time and I lost a friend and colleague to suicide just a few years ago – but everything is relative and what might be challenging to one may be unbearable to another. It is with this in mind that we need to keep communicating with each other and feel confident that we will be listened to and supported by both our managers and our colleagues. We will never work in the perfect environment under perpetually optimal conditions, but with the right support and consideration, we can get closer to it.

For more information on health and safety in the workplace:

Visit: https://www.bradford.gov.uk/hands/

Contact: Occupational.Safety@bradford.gov.uk

For support and information on your health in the workplace: https://www.bradford.gov.uk/information-for-staff/employee-health-wellbeing/employee-health-wellbeing/

Last Updated: 14th December 2021